PULPIT PROMISE

HEARING THE CALL

BIBLE NETWORK

JUST A SEASONAL THOUGHT

ECO ANGEL

LESSONS FROM THE ARK

THE MATERIAL BLUR

 

A CHRISTMAS 'OUR FATHER'

 

Our Father,

which art in Dixons,

hallowed be thy games;

thy new releases come,

thy videoing be done,

in Nicam as it is in mono;

give us this day our daily emails,

and forgive us for not spending enough,

as we forgive those who spend too little on us;

lead us not into Oxfam,

but deliver us from charitable giving;

for thine is the DVD,

the widescreen and the Game Boy,

for ever and ever,

Amen.

Rachel Mann

ISN'T IT THE TRUTH ?

GOING NATIVE

 HAIR, HAIR !

Last weekend the North Clare village of Corofin hosted what organisers claim is the first Irish Beard and Moustache Championships. I’m sure all my fellow facially haired Hermonites (mostly gents I presume!) will be interested in the new champ, pictured above. Plenty of time to shampoo, groom and coax our natural scrub into shape for next years event! By the way the ‘Festival of Finn’ has also incorporated the World Stone Throwing Championship into the festival, 10 out of 10 I say for the laterally thinking committee who hatched the whole thing. Now that I think of it, maybe they’d run the entire country for a while, couldn’t do any worse etc., etc.,…~GOSh.~

COMMON SENSE

 ELEMENTARY MY DEAR WATSON

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.  After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. 

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see."  Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."  Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today.  What does it tell you?" 

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot!  Someone has stolen our tent!"

THE VISITOR

 DOG NAP

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL

FLYING HIGH

 AIR HEADS

 
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"
The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.
As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:
"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"
Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.
Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"
The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.
Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

HO ! HO! HO !

 Christmas is one of the few times in the year when after a sumptious meal the Crackers are pulled and corny jokes are tolerated with many a groan and sigh. In that spirit of tolerance for the 'corny' here are my seasonal offerings...

A Sunday  school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on theArk ?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms"

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We  have been learning how powerful kings and queens  were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”

One child  blurted out,   “Aces!”

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes,  sir.” the boy replied.

“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked.

“No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the  daytime.”

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic: “When I die I’ll get it on my way up” chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!” said the old woman.